The Four Seasons of Marriage.....
The Rule of Three.... Part I
Last year, a new friend awakened a sleeping joy. My family was troubled by this joy. A new person comes into the formation field of the family and the joy that comes from loving is instantly suspect, Envy comes to play/destruct in the human heart, when it is missing the love it was created for and someone else is enjoying it. So I began to explore love. The Five Love Languages You can find an assessment tool on this site. I read several versions of the book for my children and my marriage. We discussed this in our family a lot in hopes knowing the dynamics of how we give and receive love would help restore joy for one another.
The languages are: Service, presence, gift giving, affirmation, (kind, careful speech) and physical touch. All of us are interested in the subject and know what is important to each of us. Maleny, when asked, immediately said, "My love languages is being told I am good at things." We shifted focus a bit. A few events were met with joyful anticipation as we practiced loving. But still it was not enough. We are out of practice.
Funny....the same author of the Five Love Languages is also the author of The Four Seasons of Marriage. And yes, there is an assessment tool here as well. But there is a flaw in the test. Based on my answers of conviction about my spouse and our commitment to one another, the assessment came out that I am experiencing "Spring". Ask any one of my adult children and they will tell you after 27 years, mom and dad have been and are slumbering through "Winter".
There is a couple I know that seem to be in the "Spring" of their new relationship. They have yet to set a date for their wedding. You may know the couple, very clingy. Any new person who comes into the shared space is introduced by the body language of this couple that they are occupied with one another and not interested in moving out of their preoccupation to include the rest of the world. Or maybe they need to hold each other up to have any courage to be out of their own private space. I don't know but it is hard to take. Could it be Envy? (more on that later) Especially when one is experiencing "Winter" as I am in my own marriage. Dave and I never had that cling dynamic in our relationship, new or otherwise. We had lots of friends who loved us as individuals and we enjoyed our friends together.
This new couple has me thinking a LOT about the dynamics in marriages that are over 25 years old. Then, in God's timely way "Why did you Marry Me?" came up as a post on the Face Book wall.The blog is about a "hippy and computer geek" working out a life together. The husband answered his bride this way. “I knew you were a hippy, I just didn’t think it would affect me.” Silence..... I wondered if my husband would have answered in the "I just didn't think [your extrovert personality] it would affect me." way.
The Rule of Three;
Let's start with Poverty, Chastity and Obedience. For a beautiful look at these evangelical counsels I recommend Susan Muto and Adrian van Kaam's book Commitment; Key to Christian Maturity/ Discovering God through faithfulness to our daily commitments. Many religious take vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. I have always been attracted to them. For my state in life they equate a life listening to people things and events, and responding with, in and through Christ. Susan uses the word simplicity interchangeably with poverty. for me poverty is living within my means and making do with what is when possible. Chastity is not a "no" to sex, but a "yes" to love; in, with and through Christ, the body is for reproducing in the context of Married love. It isn't so difficult to be chaste when one knows what love is. Read the book, it is lovely. : )
How does this relate to a dormant "Wintering" marriage and the interruption of a new found friend? For the most part, these three counsels are old hat. But I need to examine the practical "yes to love..."
St. Benedict, ....no, not the famous 'pray, work and study'..... though those are lovely rules....being a home school family, I think that is a given. Obedience , Stability.....Conversion.... Now I have a ven Diagram. Why did I marry Dave? What is the purpose of Marriage? The answer is the same. Conversion of heart. Marriage is for Sanctity and procreation. I knew when I married Dave that I would not get "what I want" as a "rule". . That I would not be first. I could trust that he would do his best to make God the source of his ultimate happiness and that would be enough for me, in fact that was an attraction. I would have to practice surrendering to God my will, because Dave is older and practical. I can trust him.
Recalling St. Benedict's counsels is a breath of fresh air. A commitment to conversion, not just a commitment but an EXPECTATION that I will be called to a change of heart EVERY DAY!!! I have a new fresh Rule of Three, to add to my old rules of three. But wait there is more.
I wont expound upon the details of the tension that led to our conversion, from the lack of loving communication. Sometimes it is a matter of just not knowing how! So back to the Five Languages of Love. Sunday we both took our grief before Jesus to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Then we went to confession. Though Dave hasn't told me I know we were both praying for a resolution to our unknown problem. Sunday night after a day of the every day, we sat on the couch for that conversation.... why did you marry me? But that was not what came out. As soon as I sat down, I had been gifted with the answer. "Dave, I think I know what we need to do.... do you want to hear it?" "Of course." he answers. "First....We need to commit to careful, loving, kind speech...... Second... we need to throw out the analytical process of determining love language and what the "managing I" wants to give and receive, and just PRACTICE every one of the languages." I proceeded to list off the languages in order of our loving failures....and it was understood that we have both been dormant for some time. Neither of us has been participating in the act of giving and receiving love in with and through Christ. Self protecting, self serving, directives have been dominating our married life, choking off love, while Faith and Hope fool the web site into thinking my marriage was in it's springtime! I know better. More importantly, The Holy Trinity seemed to think we needed a boost as well and gave us the inspiration needed to redirect our communication path.
This "social historic formation field" challenges the defining elements of Marriage. Laws are being changed. The Sacrament of Marriage was created for the covenant relationship between the two distinctly different but spiritually/morally responsible equals of Man and Woman. This relationship reflects the creative love of God. His Love bears fruit. The sacrament of Marriage begins in the context of Holy Mass, where Jesus is offered to us; body, soul and divinity. The community also offers themselves supporting this covenant by their very presence. Friends and family, new and old, have a formative place in our lives. Marriage is not lived in isolation. Living that "yes to the Lord of Love" married or single, unites us in the Truth of who we; Sons and Daughters of the Most High God. Living in love is the holy source of our JOY! And that is what God in his infinite mercy has restored in this last year. Blessed be God!
