O my Jesus.....begins the  Morning offering that my husband and I say every morning together.
O my Jesus...through the Immaculate Heart of Mary....we Pray this morning.
I offer you my prayers....I had just completed a vigil beside the bedside of my Uncle Hugh.
Works... I washed dished and threw together a meal (Dave had fixings for tacos) for my Aunt in an hour of what we thought was the end of our night.
Joys.... the color of his skin improved in the beginning of his stay in ICU.
Sufferings.... my Uncle bled and while conscious he was in a great deal of pain. My Aunt's heart was breaking, her son battled the with cheering on his beloved father, and letting him go, and I started out my Friday with a sinus headache/migraine. The night was full of reminders that it wasn't over, .
of this day.....a 30 hour one.
for the intentions of your Sacred Heart......
In union with the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass throughout the world......our Lord through the consecrated hands of the priests changes ordinary bread, and ordinary wine, into the flesh and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ, and then Jesus in our bodies, transforms our hearts and minds and wills to be more like His own. What ever we bring Him, "weather too much, or too little" as Fr. Semple says. he transforms and transcends our offerings.
in thanksgiving for your favors.....innumerable
in reparation for my sins....innumerable
for the intentions of my family and friends....innumerable through out the ages...
and in particular for the Holy Father; Pope Benedict the VI
Amen

Our Father....To remind me God provides what we need...
Hail Mary...when no one can bring comfort but the Mother of us all, the New Eve.
Oh Jesus.....When the mystery is so unfathomable, darkness is the night in a room that is so light there is no rest.
Jesus...When there is nothing left to say
Jesus, Mary Joseph...I love you save souls....when death seems near at hand
Saints and Angels greet him....

Six o'clock in the morning and my Uncle had moved from time to Eternity, leaving us behind.  We cry and rest and be with...and without. 

Why is it that the 'hit to the kidneys' Uncle Hugh experienced in his illness seemed to hit us too when we experience the death of someone we love.  We are united, even when the relations are not immediate.  A week earlier a friends child took his own life at the age of 23.  We feel sick, so sick. The green experienced is a motion sickness from the weight of the soul rocking the boat as it leaves unexpectedly and with such violent force.  being present or not, at a natural death or sudden illness has all kinds of disruptive rocking as well.  The tug and release of our own wills on the life of our beloved as we struggle with the soul's free agency and will of our Creator and time.   It can get pretty choppy in those waters. 

Jesus...I say as I drift off to sleep......I have pain in my hip and I dream of bleeding and death...Why? I ask in my sleep is the hip pain so familiar and relational to my now?  the question is unanswered in my sleep.  Uncle Hugh died of complications from a bleeding hip, after surgery to clean staph infection in his artificial joint.  I wake up green in the gills, remembering my dream and my now. 

I get up to start the real  time offering, not just the prayer, of my new days prayers, works, joys and sufferings of the every day.  I am believing that I can even have and every day!!!.... I clean the freezer....busy with all kinds of every day chores around the kitchen and laundry....and I feel more green.  Though truth be told the color has returned to my skin.  I can not go on.

I retreat to my bed and have a good cry.  I think of conversations past that relate to this event.  This is not just about the loss of Uncle Hugh.  Every death brings with it a re-living of those ties that bind us with all the common relations we have with the one who leaves us.  The willfulness, will-lessness, and the willing-ly loving of those still here.... and those who are gone... and the soul who just departed.  All of that re-living, like watching an Imax movie full of motion and emotion in the depths of our consciences. Some of the seeing is done with closed eyes, don't make me look at that God.  And so we don't see as we live out the roller coaster experience of loosing a loved one.  But our bodies know when we are up or down on choppy waters.  We can add to the value of eternity for all.  Soon we begin a new a new day.

 O my Jesus, through the Immaculate Heart of Mary I offer you my prayers, works, joys and sufferings of this day, for the intentions of your Sacred Heart, in union with the Mass offered throughout the world, in thanksgiving for your favors, in reparation for my sin, for the intentions of my relatives and friends and in particular for the Intentions of our Holy Father; Benedict the XVI.

Washing Dishes, Window or Mirror

This is my new arrangement where I spend a lot of my life washing the dishes. I have lived in many homes in my life, 14 moves, 13 different homes. The best arrangement, I thought, was the sink facing any window in the kitchen, 9 of the homes I lived in had this feature.  In my home, that would mean that I could keep an eye out on my children in the back yard.  I do anyway... but I have always thought that the sun shining on my dishes and being able to see the world; the "beautiful day in the neighborhood" would be ideal. 

The mirror in this arrangement is only from 2 to 5 years old. We used to have a penny farthing ornamental bicycle with a mirror within it.  It was small. I liked to be able to see behind me, but I always had to move my head to see more than my face.  It is nice to have a conversation with my back to others and be able to look into their eyes.  The new mirror allows that to happen.

My sister gifted me with the vases in the picture.  I recently learned about the plants that survive on air and an occasional watering. I couldn't wait to find some to grace the wall.  This new beauty prompted more contemplation of the original discontentment over the placement of the sink in this kitchen.  It seems to me that all kitchens should have this feature, don't those who build homes know that the most basic of every day things, like washing dishes, needs an extra cosmic epiphanic perk.  (Cosmic Epiphany: God revealed in all of Creation.) We need to see outside while we wash.

Back to complaining... I mean more contemplation while doing the dishes.  I don't get to see the wider world while I wash.  When I looked up I could see my eyes and sorrow.  I was tired and not well.  Dave can always tell when I am getting a headache by looking into my eyes.  I see it too when I am not having vision problems, another symptom of a migraine coming on. Fr. Adrian came to mind.  His constructs for Formation Science and the fields of formation; wider world mondial, intra, inter, and situational fields.   When I wash dishes, I don't have the wider world to contemplate, unless I turn on the radio.  But I do have my own face to read.  Is it full of joy? Is it ill? Is it worried, and what about?  Is it too scary for David Jr. because I am mad? Is it old? Uncared for?  Tonight I was washing dishes around 5:00 before Dave was expected home and my hair wasn't coiffed.  So I stopped what I was doing to turn on the curling iron.

Several days ago, I contemplated the weary face and looked with a critical eye at the OTHER arrangements in my kitchen that make me flustered, the things that if a friend came in to the house to care for any of us, she would be lost in my kitchen.  It would make anyone tired to work here!   Could those arrangements be remedied?  Yes they can!   They have been remedied.  At least the ones I have identified so far.  The kitchen sink will probably never be moved to the window.  I may someday have a bay window where the one we have is.  But it doesn't matter.  I think I need to let go of the resentment for the builders and appreciate that I can take my own attitude inventory with the view on the wall where I do my dishes.  What other time of the day is that done?  God knows what I need and it seems He doesn't think it was ever important for my sink to be on the South wall facing out.  The interior wall where I could look in and have the intra-formational conversation with Him is all that is necessary.   Thank God for the bigger view and always, for a new gratitude.  It is about time I let go of that resentment. It makes me blind, and could add to my migraines.

Brave?

My girls believe the conflict in Brave was faulty.  They feel Pixar was lazy choosing the old "I want the freedom to love when I am ready, and with whom I should be married."  It is old and overused in many princess stories. I disagree and would posit that this very conflict in the progressive princess stories have shaped and formed a perception of how to find "true love" for good or bad.  I would like them to rethink their formation stories and examine this dynamic for the more than romantic love.

Snow White was saved by a prince, Cinderella the same.  Parents were not around to care for, or arrange the best for these two princess'.  Sleeping Beauty progresses to caring parents who shelter their only child in the forest to protect her from evil, so that they can provide for her later.  Setting her up to continue their traditions with the union of their daughter with another royal family.    The Princess meets her betrothed unbeknown to either of them and there is a conflict for a short time. Evil interrupts and misunderstandings cause more problems and the fight is on for good to triumph.  In my estimation it is not JUST love, but the good of the Kingdom. Two lovely families are able to continue the tradition of goodness beauty truth and transcendence (at least that is what we hope) extended to the next generation.  

The next Princess movie, Ariel, the conflict is more serious.  Ariel wishes to abandon her own body as a Mermaid and become human. She is so obsessed with something she is not, that she turns to evil to get what she wants.   In the Hans Christian Anderson story of the Little Mermaid, the Mermaid moves from her own wants to the sacrifice of her own life for her beloved.  She does not get what she WANTS.   She does NOT live happily ever after in new skin, but becomes seafoam.

Belle/Beauty comes next, she is self possessed and wants the 'more than this provincial life'.  She has 'thinking' and wants more than serving a man who doesn't even notice her outside of his own wants and uses.  Love is more than utilitarian objectification and appearances. True Love makes the world Beautiful, it is not selfish or rude.  This story is Beautiful and True!

Aladdin, another story where the mind of the Princess is made up, her vision of who she wishes to marry is in opposition to tradition. Aladdin makes a few mistakes, but his heart is good we are to believe.  He is handsome and funny too.  In the end this modern version sends the couple on a tour of the world on the magic carpet, they may or may not get married... who knows.

Pochantas, this fairy tale revising history makes John Smith out to be the student of life and love.  Pocahontas is his teacher.  The Judeo/Christian influence; how we know what it is to appreciate life and live in with and through the Source of all Love is absent from this fairy tale, though these very virtues are present, they are sourced in a New Age sprituality. Not Pocahantas' history.

Mulan's familial love drives her to war and we find that love and friendship can be found when we are doing the right thing for others.  Mulan suffered a great deal for her father and her country.  "You don't find a girl like that in ever dynasty." 

Tiana's story is the story of  determination and hard work,  ambitions for self preservation, of dreams, sensual pleasure and power. In love and family/neighbor united we find our fulfilled purpose and being.  Tianna has part of the story, but she struggles with the less temporal part of her purpose.  The love responsible for existence, man and wife. 

The reason I bring up these past Princess's is because at the heart of our human story is the desire to find that love, and embrace the 'circle of life'.  FAMILIES have been part of that process from the very beginning, and conflicts are the heart of stories. At the heart of EVERY conflict is one 'want/will' in conflict with another 'want/will'. "Narration is Formation", we move from, through, to...will conflicts. For Instance from a willfulness or will-lessness to a love-will expressed in willing to surrender to the transcendent values of goodness, truth, justice, beauty and being.  We hope to sift the truth from a good story.  Some times we get it wrong.   Sometimes the stories that told are retold to fit a political agenda, as in the case of Alandin and Pochantas, and sometimes they are just written with the days ideals built into them. Jasmin and Tiana.   These Princess stories have formed hearts and minds for several generations now.  I feel a bit angry because I fear that the ultimate message is the message of embracing the circle of life, human existence, is LOST!  and what girls are aiming for is "Finding  what I want in that ONE TRUE LOVE, or my dreams first, Prince second. Oh and I do this on my own." Even for the child raised in good faith and who searches for God's will..... family is not part of that decision making.  Autonomy here.   Brave is the ultimate in that individual, self made man/woman idealism.  

In Brave one Blogger has this to say.

"If there is a moral to this story, I don’t think it’s about squashing rebellion or pleasing authoritarian parents. It’s not even really about compromise: in the end, Merida gets what she wants. She doesn’t have to get married unless she wants to. Brave is about a mother and daughter learning to see each other as individuals."

Everyone needs to know who they are, it is part of the human condition to journey to union with the Creator who made us. In relationship to the Holy Trinity we find THE ONLY answer to the question, "For what purpose did you make me?"  "Please God, Tell me who I am?" Yet That journey to find our purpose is filled with testing our fields of formation. A journey of integration, and differentiating NEVER ends.   It is not done just once in early adulthood, but is a cycle we continue through our lives, hopefully bringing us closer and closer to the Holy Trinity.   

Even so, the hardest relationship to sort this out with, I dream to be the easiest, but seems to be the most difficult. Psycologists have concluded that when this conflict with parents is not resolved, it stilts maturing, likened to the stuck disposition of an alcholic.   Every human being is the only one that will be held accountable for listening to that voice of God and responding for fulfilling their own unique mission in the world. What would have been Brave, would have been Merida appreciating love, and some sort of connection to that circle of life. EVEN if it is one she has yet to know, a clear understanding that she will accept her mission to contribute to the world in some meangingful way. Single or married, but with determined purpose.  Something 'more than' "I want my freedom!" For TRUE freedom comes from Love and Responsibility to self and others, the past the present and the future.

Sacred Space the Key to Being Original

When I was in grade school, we were encouraged to make a space in our homes for Jesus.  "A prayer corner; the best being in a closet." That may be a common element of Catholic School education, it seemed that some teachers, religious or lay, were better at communicating this necessity than others.  When Dave and I were first married, Dave took the first 4 days of our married life to put paneling on a prayer ROOM.  It soon became a room to house all the baby things, but we always had a space to pray.

Over the years the "prayer corner" has disappeared, we just used the space we had available. A chair near the door, one near the fireplace, and now in our bedroom. The idea of "Sacred Space" has expanded.

Three weeks after our wedding, my mother died.  Several months later, I had inherited the mess of her collection of things in her home.  Some useful: washer and dryer, some not, all her business suits, sizes 8-12. It took me a while to figure out that I needed to make a trip to St. Vincents and just unload. 

After Clara was born, 1991, I decided my housekeeping really needed a savior.  I found that savior in Sandra Felton.  She authored several books that spoke to the messy interior that was me.  Then I had a friend that kept an immaculate house.  I was inspired to create a Sacred Space, and over the years I have expanded on that space. 

When our lives are in a constant stream of stimulation we have no time to rejuvenate. Rejuvenation is so important, God gave us a commandment about it built into our week that counts the passing of time. We need to take time...... we get to make the space, or better said, 'respect the time and space given to us!'


This space was inspired by a friend who was "Practically Perfect 24/7"

Sometimes it is easiest to start with the external life, making order on the outside so that one may want to go inside. And other times, the internal has to be cared for and collected so that we can work with what we have on the outside, and sometimes God graces us with the motivation to do the every day.... while we visit inside.  But always, it is God's love and Grace that aids us in our knowing where we are and where He wants us to be with Him.  Maintaining, building, speaking or listening or being still.  

The internal Sacred Space takes a lot of courage to maintain. People, things, events, all call attention away from the quiet. Calling attention away from what is right in front of my face, what God has purposed me for from all eternity. When I maintain Sacred Space in my environment, as well as my mind and heart, it is possible to hear appreciatively the purpose God has given for me in the time and space He has placed me in.  No one else has been given the task that was gifted to me.  Even if it is to do the dishes, that job is mine and I can be with God inside while I do those dishes. This purpose is original, unique and God needs me.  How can I say "no"?  My "no" comes from comparative thinking, curious looking about into the wider world formation field of presence; simply put, obsessing over a news periodical or a  FaceBook obsession.  ACTUALLY, there is a distraction in EVERY field of Formation. Every person is his own formation field and every person caries with him/her spheres and dimensions and ranges within that field.  I have got to get a handle on reverencing what God has created in me so that I can see when I am out of order in any of those fields and dimensions.   The internal question for the rest of this week of everyday is, "What is the distraction of this moment Lord? is it an internal coercive worry, is it an global cause or concern, is it a situational event I have no control over?  Have I accepted my life as it is at this moment? Can I just love what is right here, right now, caring and reverencing You Jesus in the everyday things of my life, events you have allowed and the people who you have gifted me with? 

Ultimately I don't want to be so unfocused that I can't answer His promptings with a joyful "Yes."  Understanding that to say 'yes' to Jesus and His unique plan for me, may be a 'no' to the popular pulsations, or a vital interest; 'just one more cup of coffee', or even a functional job I think should be mine but belongs to someone else in the family.  Hearing God seems so complicated. Yet... all he requires is that we want to hear Him.  He will answer all the other questions for me when I ask.

Ouch! The Affect of Formatitive Catholic Public Figures

It is 21012, we are in an election year.  Republican Candidates were mostly Catholic, in the beginning.  Now only one remains because Rick Santorum "suspended his campaign".  I wondered why that phrase was being used, only to find out that "pulling out" is what many who oppose him "wished his father had done" before he was conceived.  Repeating that very base comment is not pleasant for me. I found similar comments on two Facebook wall posts this morning.  It isn't obvious to those who would post such an awful comment, that shedding light on their own vile selfish practices does not make the acts attractive or acceptable.  "The family jewels are mine and I will not, do not want to... gift them to the world and I wish everyone else would just waste the same. Don't tell me not to enjoy them anyway."  ICK!!!!  

When a voter who is attached to selfishness in the forms of artificial; deathly coercive forms of birth control, see an image of Senator Rick Santorum, the picture above is what they see.  (Not that "pulling out" is deathly, but it certainly says "no" to the God who created them and invited us in joy to bear fruit and multiply!) Santorum's life is a contrast to their own, a contrast they don't want to see. He calls them out unwittingly, it makes them mad.   They take in Santorum's image through the filter of their own known selfishness.  "Ultimately, the candidate [I vote for] has to protect my right to seek pleasure where I choose to seek it."

Rick Santorum stands for "the More Than" pleasure.  He stands for responsibility.  Libertarians want to promote and protect pleasure seeking avenues thinking that if everything is legal; drugs, prostitution, sodomy, what ever, we wont have so much crime..? or something.  The ire is awakened when a man comes on the scene who lives a life opposed to libertarian views, his is happiness is rooted in traditions that nurture the dignity of the human person, not it's self centered pleasure seeking ways.  

It's about time that the foundation of our civilized society is examined! What are our presuppositions about the human person? What is our attitude about the future, do we welcome life? Is the human being a burden or an image of God; potential Faith Hope and Love?  If the ultimate attitude is "I love my kids BUT don't give me any more God, I must deny you my reproductive potential because I am done."  *** The ultimate belief is.... "human beings are a burden that I can not carry."   As if God intended you to carry the fruit of your married love from the moment of conception to the dying day of that fruit, on your shoulder!!! How preposterous!  The events and political figures of this day are forcing us to examine and speak like we have never done before.  Crass personalities can not get by with degrading statements without conservative voices answering, or reflecting back how crass and undignified the meaning and consequences of those statements are.  A Joyful dignified life demands that we give answer; shedding light on the darkness we must!

*** I am not referring to a prayerful attitude evaluating gifts and limitations and determining that adding to the family is not a wise direction, there fore abstinence is the temporary direction for fertile times, I am talking about the man or woman who wishes to indulge without inviting God's creative potential into the union.

I would rather contemplate Santorum's faith/practice in the dignity of the human person, than share in the pleasure seeking affection for humanity, that the men below possessed.

The Five Languages of Love.....
The Four Seasons of Marriage.....
The Rule of Three....   Part I

Last year, a new friend awakened a sleeping joy.  My family was troubled by this joy. A new person comes into the formation field of the family and the joy that comes from loving is instantly suspect, Envy comes to play/destruct in the human heart, when it is missing the love it was created for and someone else is enjoying it.   So I began to explore love.  The Five Love Languages  You can find an assessment tool on this site. I read several versions of the book for my children and my marriage.   We discussed this in our family a lot in hopes knowing the dynamics of  how we give and receive love would help restore joy for one another.  

The languages are: Service, presence, gift giving, affirmation, (kind, careful speech) and    physical touch. All of us are interested in the subject and know what is important to each of us.  Maleny, when asked, immediately said, "My love languages is being told I am good at things."  

We shifted focus a bit. A few events were met with joyful anticipation as we practiced loving.  But still it was not enough. We are out of practice.

Funny....the same author of the Five Love Languages is also the author of The Four Seasons of Marriage. And yes, there is an assessment tool here as well.   But there is a flaw in the test. Based on my answers of conviction about my spouse and our commitment to one another, the assessment came out that I am experiencing "Spring". Ask any one of my adult children and they will tell you after 27 years, mom and dad have been and are slumbering through "Winter".

There is a couple I know that seem to be in the "Spring" of their new relationship.  They have yet to set a date for their wedding. You may know the couple, very clingy.  Any new person who comes into the shared space is introduced by the body language of this couple that they are occupied with one another and not interested in moving out of their preoccupation to include the rest of the world.  Or maybe they need to hold each other up to have any courage to be out of their own private space. I don't know but it is hard to take.  Could it be Envy? (more on that later)  Especially when one is experiencing "Winter" as I am in my own marriage.  Dave and I never had that cling dynamic in our relationship, new or otherwise. We had lots of friends who loved us as individuals and we enjoyed our friends together. 

This new couple has me thinking a LOT about the dynamics in marriages that are over 25 years old. Then, in God's timely way   "Why did you Marry Me?" came up as a post on the Face Book wall.The blog is about a "hippy and computer geek" working out a life together.   The husband answered his bride this way.    “I knew you were a hippy, I just didn’t think it would affect me.”    Silence..... I wondered if my husband would have answered in the "I just didn't think [your extrovert personality] it would affect me." way.

The Rule of Three;
Let's start with Poverty, Chastity and Obedience.  For a beautiful look at these evangelical counsels I recommend Susan Muto and Adrian van Kaam's book Commitment; Key to Christian Maturity/ Discovering God through faithfulness to our daily commitments.  Many religious take vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.  I have always been attracted to them.  For my state in life they equate a life listening to people things and events, and responding with, in and through Christ.  Susan uses the word simplicity interchangeably with poverty.  for me poverty is living within my means and making do with what is when possible. Chastity is not a "no" to sex, but a "yes" to love; in, with and through Christ, the body is for reproducing in the context of Married love.  It isn't so difficult to be chaste when one knows what love is.   Read the book, it is lovely. : )

How does this relate to a dormant "Wintering" marriage and the interruption of a new found friend?  For the most part, these three counsels are old hat.  But I need to examine the practical "yes to love..."

St. Benedict, ....no, not the famous 'pray, work and study'.....  though those are lovely rules....being a home school family, I think that is a given.  Obedience , Stability.....Conversion.... Now I have a ven Diagram.  Why did I marry Dave?  What is the purpose of Marriage?  The answer is the same.  Conversion of heart.  Marriage is for Sanctity and procreation. I knew when I married Dave that I would not get "what I want" as a "rule".  . That I would not be first. I could trust that he would do his best to make God the source of his ultimate happiness and that would be enough for me, in fact that was an attraction.  I would have to practice surrendering to God my will, because Dave is older and practical. I can trust him.  

Recalling St. Benedict's counsels is a breath of fresh air.  A commitment to conversion, not just a commitment but an EXPECTATION that I will be called to a change of heart EVERY DAY!!! I have a new fresh Rule of Three, to add to my old rules of three.  But wait there is more.

I wont expound upon the details of the tension that led to our conversion, from the lack of loving communication.  Sometimes it is a matter of just not knowing how!  So back to the Five Languages of Love.  Sunday we both took our grief before Jesus to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Then we went to confession.  Though Dave hasn't told me I know we were both praying for  a resolution to our unknown problem.   Sunday night after a day of the every day, we sat on the couch for that conversation.... why did you marry me? But that was not what came out.  As soon as I sat down, I had been gifted with the answer.  "Dave, I think I know what we need to do.... do you want to hear it?"  "Of course."  he answers.  "First....We need to commit to careful, loving, kind speech...... Second... we need to throw out the analytical process of determining love language and what the "managing I"  wants to give and receive, and just PRACTICE every one of the languages." I proceeded to list off the languages in order of our loving failures....and it was understood that we have both been dormant for some time. Neither of us has been participating in the act of giving and receiving love in with and through Christ.  Self protecting, self serving, directives have been dominating our married life, choking off love, while Faith and Hope fool the web site into thinking my marriage was in it's springtime!   I know better. More importantly, The Holy Trinity seemed to think we needed a boost as well and gave us the inspiration needed to redirect our communication path.

This "social historic formation field" challenges the defining elements of Marriage. Laws are being changed.  The Sacrament of Marriage was created for the covenant relationship between the two distinctly different but spiritually/morally responsible equals of Man and Woman.  This relationship reflects the creative love of God.  His Love bears fruit. The sacrament of Marriage begins in the context of Holy Mass, where Jesus is offered to us; body, soul and divinity. The community also offers themselves supporting this covenant by their very presence.    Friends and family, new and old, have a formative place in our lives. Marriage is not lived in isolation. Living that "yes to the Lord of Love" married or single, unites us in the Truth of who we; Sons and Daughters of the Most High God. Living in love is the holy source of our JOY!  And that is what God in his infinite mercy has restored in this last year.  Blessed be God!

Cyclical

Tandem

Stoker

cycle through

along this

journey

this tour

of earthbound

vitality

Over hill

up steep

difficult climbs

down opposing

uncontrolled

descents

wave like

motion

in and through

my soul

Letting go

pressing on

cruising

this body has

never been mine

it belongs to

this earth

and its

creator

on loan from God

Unique challenges are mine.