The Five Languages of Love.....
The Four Seasons of Marriage.....
The Rule of Three....   Part I

Last year, a new friend awakened a sleeping joy.  My family was troubled by this joy. A new person comes into the formation field of the family and the joy that comes from loving is instantly suspect, Envy comes to play/destruct in the human heart, when it is missing the love it was created for and someone else is enjoying it.   So I began to explore love.  The Five Love Languages  You can find an assessment tool on this site. I read several versions of the book for my children and my marriage.   We discussed this in our family a lot in hopes knowing the dynamics of  how we give and receive love would help restore joy for one another.  

The languages are: Service, presence, gift giving, affirmation, (kind, careful speech) and    physical touch. All of us are interested in the subject and know what is important to each of us.  Maleny, when asked, immediately said, "My love languages is being told I am good at things."  

We shifted focus a bit. A few events were met with joyful anticipation as we practiced loving.  But still it was not enough. We are out of practice.

Funny....the same author of the Five Love Languages is also the author of The Four Seasons of Marriage. And yes, there is an assessment tool here as well.   But there is a flaw in the test. Based on my answers of conviction about my spouse and our commitment to one another, the assessment came out that I am experiencing "Spring". Ask any one of my adult children and they will tell you after 27 years, mom and dad have been and are slumbering through "Winter".

There is a couple I know that seem to be in the "Spring" of their new relationship.  They have yet to set a date for their wedding. You may know the couple, very clingy.  Any new person who comes into the shared space is introduced by the body language of this couple that they are occupied with one another and not interested in moving out of their preoccupation to include the rest of the world.  Or maybe they need to hold each other up to have any courage to be out of their own private space. I don't know but it is hard to take.  Could it be Envy? (more on that later)  Especially when one is experiencing "Winter" as I am in my own marriage.  Dave and I never had that cling dynamic in our relationship, new or otherwise. We had lots of friends who loved us as individuals and we enjoyed our friends together. 

This new couple has me thinking a LOT about the dynamics in marriages that are over 25 years old. Then, in God's timely way   "Why did you Marry Me?" came up as a post on the Face Book wall.The blog is about a "hippy and computer geek" working out a life together.   The husband answered his bride this way.    “I knew you were a hippy, I just didn’t think it would affect me.”    Silence..... I wondered if my husband would have answered in the "I just didn't think [your extrovert personality] it would affect me." way.

The Rule of Three;
Let's start with Poverty, Chastity and Obedience.  For a beautiful look at these evangelical counsels I recommend Susan Muto and Adrian van Kaam's book Commitment; Key to Christian Maturity/ Discovering God through faithfulness to our daily commitments.  Many religious take vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.  I have always been attracted to them.  For my state in life they equate a life listening to people things and events, and responding with, in and through Christ.  Susan uses the word simplicity interchangeably with poverty.  for me poverty is living within my means and making do with what is when possible. Chastity is not a "no" to sex, but a "yes" to love; in, with and through Christ, the body is for reproducing in the context of Married love.  It isn't so difficult to be chaste when one knows what love is.   Read the book, it is lovely. : )

How does this relate to a dormant "Wintering" marriage and the interruption of a new found friend?  For the most part, these three counsels are old hat.  But I need to examine the practical "yes to love..."

St. Benedict, ....no, not the famous 'pray, work and study'.....  though those are lovely rules....being a home school family, I think that is a given.  Obedience , Stability.....Conversion.... Now I have a ven Diagram.  Why did I marry Dave?  What is the purpose of Marriage?  The answer is the same.  Conversion of heart.  Marriage is for Sanctity and procreation. I knew when I married Dave that I would not get "what I want" as a "rule".  . That I would not be first. I could trust that he would do his best to make God the source of his ultimate happiness and that would be enough for me, in fact that was an attraction.  I would have to practice surrendering to God my will, because Dave is older and practical. I can trust him.  

Recalling St. Benedict's counsels is a breath of fresh air.  A commitment to conversion, not just a commitment but an EXPECTATION that I will be called to a change of heart EVERY DAY!!! I have a new fresh Rule of Three, to add to my old rules of three.  But wait there is more.

I wont expound upon the details of the tension that led to our conversion, from the lack of loving communication.  Sometimes it is a matter of just not knowing how!  So back to the Five Languages of Love.  Sunday we both took our grief before Jesus to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Then we went to confession.  Though Dave hasn't told me I know we were both praying for  a resolution to our unknown problem.   Sunday night after a day of the every day, we sat on the couch for that conversation.... why did you marry me? But that was not what came out.  As soon as I sat down, I had been gifted with the answer.  "Dave, I think I know what we need to do.... do you want to hear it?"  "Of course."  he answers.  "First....We need to commit to careful, loving, kind speech...... Second... we need to throw out the analytical process of determining love language and what the "managing I"  wants to give and receive, and just PRACTICE every one of the languages." I proceeded to list off the languages in order of our loving failures....and it was understood that we have both been dormant for some time. Neither of us has been participating in the act of giving and receiving love in with and through Christ.  Self protecting, self serving, directives have been dominating our married life, choking off love, while Faith and Hope fool the web site into thinking my marriage was in it's springtime!   I know better. More importantly, The Holy Trinity seemed to think we needed a boost as well and gave us the inspiration needed to redirect our communication path.

This "social historic formation field" challenges the defining elements of Marriage. Laws are being changed.  The Sacrament of Marriage was created for the covenant relationship between the two distinctly different but spiritually/morally responsible equals of Man and Woman.  This relationship reflects the creative love of God.  His Love bears fruit. The sacrament of Marriage begins in the context of Holy Mass, where Jesus is offered to us; body, soul and divinity. The community also offers themselves supporting this covenant by their very presence.    Friends and family, new and old, have a formative place in our lives. Marriage is not lived in isolation. Living that "yes to the Lord of Love" married or single, unites us in the Truth of who we; Sons and Daughters of the Most High God. Living in love is the holy source of our JOY!  And that is what God in his infinite mercy has restored in this last year.  Blessed be God!

Cyclical

Tandem

Stoker

cycle through

along this

journey

this tour

of earthbound

vitality

Over hill

up steep

difficult climbs

down opposing

uncontrolled

descents

wave like

motion

in and through

my soul

Letting go

pressing on

cruising

this body has

never been mine

it belongs to

this earth

and its

creator

on loan from God

Unique challenges are mine.

Abiding in Awe filled Attention are the first three A's of Appraisal.  I am returning to my van Kaam studies and decided to look at my work from Course IV.    In this course I chose to study my social presence and came out with a typical childhood lesson to articulate the A's of Appraisal as it related to a social crises I had in 2002. The following is a poem written to help me articulate  Fr. Adrian and Susan A Muto's work ( 4 of the A's of Appraisal)  in practice. 

T's For "Time Out"

Time out for Awe

Time out to silence my mind

and heart

and breathe,

grateful for breath

Deep breath.

Roses,

Roses in faces.

My God Divine,

I sense the transcendent

In your eyes,

Abiding in Awe is A tending to

Mystery

Mystery who desires to

care for me,

More than

I desire to let 'IT' go....

But you are God and I am not.

Acknowledging Your Omnipotence

saves me!



The Drop in Visitor; 

Our Blessed Mother Visiting Her Cousin Elizabeth

It is the first Sunday of Advent and as my family prayed the Rosary this afternoon, I had a lot to meditate on.  Thanks Giving week was filled with visitors.

VisitationMariotto Albertinelli
1503 - Oil on wood, 232 x 146 cm
Galleria degli Uffizi, Florence

The picture  is lovely.  Elizabeth is so grateful for, and to the Mother
of God.

"Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! And why is this granted me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?"

Mural in Conception Abbey, Missouri

HereElizabeth And Zacheriah greet Our Blessed Mother at the door.  The joy and surprise of the unexpected visit was what I want to relish.  I wonder why St. Joseph is in the picture, unless it is to forshadow the Nativity, maybe it is to remind the viewer that God the Son, and his announcer John the Baptist had fathers in their lives.  Albeit, Joseph a foster Father.

In this beautiful painting, Food;Hospitality, almost takes center stage,  Her surprise is seen on her face, I can't tell if Elizabeth is even looking at Mary here, maybe she is experiencing the child leaping in her womb, or maybe she is getting an inner locution that tells her the reason why her baby is jumping for joy.    Her hands up in the air are an expresion of surprise and wonder; Openness to The Epiphany.

Back to our family Rosary, when the 2nd Joyful Mystery is prayed, the virtue prayed for is Zeal for Souls.  Mary had been told that she is to be "The Virgin" that is to incarnate The Messiah and give birth to him.  The other news was that her aging cousin is to give birth to a son as well.  Mary's care and concern for Elizabeth compelled Mary to travel a distance, probably on foot, in the first three months of her own pregnancy, to care for this aging cousin. Zeal.

The obvious Openness to Human Life; that begins in the womb is the first lovely meditation.  These women say a resounding "Yes" to the image of God, that humanity is.  And Mary says yes to The Holy Trinity, when asked to become the Mother of God.

I heard of a written discourse between a young woman and her male friend.  The point of their discussion was that the world would be changed if married couples were to acknowledge and rejoice in the fact that each "conjugal act of Marriage had the awesome potential to change the Universe."  This couple has been formed in JP II's Theology of the Body.  Appreciating how God made us to reproduce His image gives us joy, and in the act of Thanksgiving/Appreciating, God,  increases our Faith Hope and Love. Not for the Holy Trinity alone, for one another as well. I am not referring to the appreciation that pays lip service, but the appreciation that is both an invitation and a song of praise: 
"God, you know the past the present and the future.  You know who needs to be in my life, who will form me to be more like you, I trust you, so BRING IT ON!"  

Today, so few of us are schooled in that kind of appreciation.   The very antithesis of the above "God,...bring it on." is ...  artificial birth control; in all its forms.   Society believes they have a right to  control  who they can invite into or out of their lives.  That false sense of control extends into the everyday meeting of others.   Had Elizabeth and Mary believed that to be so, there would be no reason for a "Visitation".   

Elizabeth  waits for, not only her own child, but more importantly, the Messiah.  She is open, she is old and in need of assistance, but she too is a hostess.  She opens her heart and home to let Mary; the Mother of God, in to care for her!  And she is aware of all that that act of love implies.  Giving, and receiving.  As Fr. Adrian van Kaam has articulated, "form donation/form reception."

An art form has been lost and I am not refering to the technical expertise in the above paintings.  But the deeper message that "leaps" out of the event of the visitation.  : ) Being open to the image of God begins with our attitude toward our own created bodies and extends out to how we view others coming to visit us in all our own "formative phases" of becoming more like Jesus.  Many of us can not identify with Mary as she drops in on her cousin.  We can't imagine ourselves doing that to any of our friends.  And how 'bout being receptive to a visit?  The Art of dropping in, and hosting the drop in, is rarely seen.  I am not talking about hanging with friends all day in a codependent way, where two homes; that of the visitor and that of the home dropped in on,  are left a wreck.   In the days of awaiting in the season of Advent, I hope to expand on this.   But for now, I want to think about who I allow to be "Jesus" for me?    

 

Tomato Resitance

I

Tomatoes RIPEN on the Vine

I am too busy to notice

If I do I am Angry      

            Husband plants them, early Spring.

II

"What is that you say Husband?

It's time to harvest? 

Time to store,

to process,

to Labor?

Do it yourself,

I am involved elsewhere.

You planted, let them

        Rot unless you have time Yourself!!"

Where does this Resistance come from? 

Pride form are you there? 

Deadly Silence gives way to the breaking of the vine. 

III

Organic Garden

Faithful Trust
In all things God given
Lady-bug 
Praying-Mantis
You are welcome
Come Dine
on the Vine
We share in the weeding of the space
We hope to nourish fruit
A fidelity break 
from the hustle and bustle
of children lots of chatter
Sun,
Silence,
All things connected.
I help to nourish fruit.
Detaching the weeds
of a busy life
Attention to the 
Cosmic Mystery!


IV
Tomatoes vines ripe
with gift for many
fill my pots and pans.
Solitude,
Acid
Hot Kitchen Labor
Time to reflect.
Listening
Respectful Listening
to the Cosmic Epiphany:
Creator, creation, creature
Live together 
Gifts of in and out
Give to the earth
Gift of the earth
Life goes on 
no time to resist the Gift

V
Apprehend
Appreciate
Appraise
AWE
Rejoice!





VI

Fall and Winter
Warm Soup
Warm Care
Thank you God for the Grace 
to let go of Resentment
To enjoy the gift of tomatoes....
And Children.
"This is my Body, given to you."


Sept 2007 or 08

Maleny; November 30, 2003, almost 1 year 6 months old

It is the morning of the first day of Advent.  6:00 AM, the second alarm goes off to wake us up.  Usually Maleny sleeps through, but "not this day".  A movie critic is giving a review of several movies opening  near Christmas.  The Return of the King is mentioned and Aragorn's voice comes over the radio, he is commanding his men to battle.  At the sound of his voice, Maleny sits up from a sound sleep and jumps out of bed.  She has heard his call and is ready for her day!

Yes, I know what you are thinking.  But this is Maleny, she knows his voice and she identify's with the King.  She would follow him anywhere.


Tolkien did not write this, but it was a maybe the best of additions to the movie.

"Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you *stand, Men of the West!*"

I found this narration in my journal written on the day of the event.  I am sorry that there is no mention of her speech.  I have to record the even before I throw out the journal.  Maleny's obedience to the voice she loves gives me so much to ponder.  I want to rise in the morning with the same tenacity.  Taking hold of my day through the inspiration of the King of Kings.  Not just one morning, but every morning.

Running Relationships, Like a Business/ Utilitarian Friendships

My friend Liz informed me that there is an African saying:  "Americans run their relationships like a business"  In the last 15 years I have invested myself in 4 religious associations where this has been true.  I have worked in leadership positions in these 4 associations.  Each positions has come to an end in some social presence crisis.  Lesson to self.  Never enter into a relationship with an association, or friend who is determined to climb the corporate ladder, or get something out of  your skills and gifts with the expectation of shared appreciation of other or even a shared goal. It wont happen and you will just be disappointed.

 This attitude is a good one.  According to Fr. Spitzer's "Priciples of Life and Levels of Happiness" which are derived from an Aristotelian Philosophy of Friendship, appreciation is not the end all.  Service to God; LOVE is Ultimate!  The battle will for ever seem to be an unrequited love. But isn't that Jesus's life death and resurrection in a nut shell.    The work is begging for the grace to suffer a union with Christ; giving all for the Father, without counting the cost or even asking "What is in it for me Lord.," because "Christ has already given His Blood for Love of me. He has DIED ON THE CROSS AND RISEN FROM THE DEAD FOR MY SAKE!"  What more could anyone ask for, and asking for more is actually quite arrogant.

The pain of these past crisis has compelled me to draw the lines of a shared goal for friendship.   I am only here on this earth to love and point to LOVE. Meditating on the infinite possibilities; consequences, of Love is my favorite interior past time.  I can only hope and trust I am following the example of Jesus when I draw those lines. Yes, invite the relationship, but don't stay in the relationship voluntarily if the other image of God is unwilling to be loved, or served, not by me, but God whom I serve.

Luke 18:18-23 (with the context of vss. 24-30 also)
[18] A certain ruler asked him, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
[19] "Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good -- except God alone. [20] You know the commandments: 'Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.'"
[21] "All these I have kept since I was a boy," he said.
[22] When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
[23] When he heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth.

Jesus laid out the lines, and let the young man walk away from him.  Jesus didn't beg him to stay, with all the Rich Young Man's baggage!  He said Sell what you have.... then come follow me. Jesus had boundaries. He couldn't work with the broken wounded heart of the Rich Young Man attached to his wealth.  


As stated in a past post, I have a tendency to fear "social anemia".  But I am getting over it.  Take it or leave it.  I can start out my friendships on the level of utilitarian, it is known to be a natural progression of friendship.  I actually maintain many relationships this way.  My neighbors, to a point. I can give {and give) to the little neighbor girl across the alley, but if the Mother will not engage in a cooperative respectful formational dialog with me over an event in my backyard concerning her daughter, I don't have to have her daughter back in my yard. If and when I am able to work out some mutually understood boundaries that will help the little image of God and my own little images of God, make some "good choices", back yard privileges will be restored.

The coward is the man who can't take the uncertainty of LOVE.  God gave us a free will to live with, in and through Him.    This LOVE in action  is... Jesus, sadly but respectfully watching the Rich Young Man (RYM)  move on to...maybe, make more wealth for himself while the poor go hungry.  RYM may have returned with empty pockets and a full heart after some reflection and time.  Maybe even after Christ's resurrection.  We do not know. Since we perceive the world saying "No! and even "Hell No!" to the love of God, the RYM looks to us like an object of Christ's unrequited love.

After several social presence crisis, I want to have learned not to be a coward and to ask the hard questions.  "What are you giving me this Love for God?  For what purpose is my heart exploding for this adventure, association or person in front of me?"   I don't want to waste time, but I do.... by imagining the worst case scenario. Or being a coward, failing the invitations because of my unbelief.  "Good God, my own children think I am "off" sometimes, and you God,  are asking me to stand on what small limb?   No, I don't want to ask my friend to let go of his/her attachments and follow you, are you kidding?   THEY MIGHT WALK AWAY!!!  As if it didn't happen to you first."  Yes, they may walk away, and never see you again...on this earth.   


And Jesus thirsts for my love and my neighbors. Maybe I better get Him a drink.